"i don't want to wear that!"

it was that sentence that brought me back here. spoken by my five year old before church yesterday. i started to feel my frustration bubble, you were with me at the store, you wanted this dress, why will you never wear it?

then i paused. i had just gone up to ask my ma something. wearing a dress that i bought, that i thought i would wear, that i wanted to wear, but it never fit right. she complimented me on it, assured me it looked okay, no it was not too short, yes it looks good with leggings. i ran downstairs, helped the girls, and realized no. it was not going to be possible to do mama things and wear this dress. it was too tight to nurse the baby in. i wasn't comfortable. so i changed, and changed, and changed. the pile grew and i tried to find something, anything, to wear to church.

i shook my head, looked at my five year old, sighed, and found her something else to wear.

why is it okay for me to frown, to not want to wear a dress that i wanted, but not her.

ouch. that hurt.

i looked at that pile later and a sadness came. is this really how i want my two daughters to grow up? watching their mama struggle to find something to wear. the clothes pile up, the frustration grow?

certainly not!

i have tried, many times, to find the trick, listened to tips, talked to my husband, made excuses, made choices, not giving a fuck because i am so frustrates. so tired. so done.

all three kids are screaming, i just want it to be nap time, why is my husband not here? (sidenote - he is at school during the week, most weeks we are apart except for weekends) surely shoving this s'more poptart and chugging a coke will make it all better. at least i can find some joy amidst the madness.

it works, but for how long? until the next meltdown comes?

i realized a long time ago that things need to change. with a limited budget and time for myself i know it's tricky. so i am starting slow. i also want to be kind to myself, especially while breastfeeding. that is most important, and it tends to make me ravenous. so i'm not looking to some magic diet.

i have three simple goals. my start.

1. drink more water, less coke. for over a week now i have been filling 2 quart jars with water. sticking them in the fridge with straws and lids. i figure if it's just as easy to grab, i will choose that over coke. 64 ounces. man it makes me pee.

2. yoga. it has always been one form of exercise that i love. that works. that clears my mind, and makes me feel better. i also don't hate myself doing it. my goal is to do it more days than not each week. the preschooler usually bugs me to do it too, so this morning, while the baby napped, we did 40 minutes of a youtube video "fun yoga for kids" i also hope to do my own during quiet time or before bed. at least 20 minutes.

3. no snacks after dinner. just. stop. eating. if i feel hungry, drink water, or go to bed. i stay up too late anyway! and i am a big fan of sleep.

so there it is. out there...again.

i just can't keep living with a clouded head. i need to find peace. the final pose in my yoga session always transitions me into prayer. that is also very much needed. i need to get back.

i sent a message to one of my dearest friends. it was scary. i feel very vulnerable, but i needed her accountability. to randomly check in.

i need this for me, but more so for my kids and my husband.

when i drove in the car with one kid the other day, i feared of getting into an accident more than usual. i thought about what would happen if i was gone. would they remember me? i don't want my baby to live a life without me. what if suddenly he couldn't nurse. the image of him crying, and my husband struggling flashed in my head. it made me sick. it scared me. it made me want to change. if not a car accident, it could be something i could have prevented.

man, mama's think and worry about some crazy things. i had to let them out.

here we go...walk with me?